Today I learned a harsh lesson in self-defeat. Many of you are unaware of this, but I am now completely on my own in terms of my care and Cinryze administrations. At first, it wasn't a big deal to me; it was definitely more of a "YAY ME" moment, knowing I could do this huge, life sustaining, thing for myself. Or at least I thought.
Until today.
Maybe it was because it was a mere 55 degrees in my living room (I don't like paying high heat bills, whatever), or because I haven't been taking particularly great care of myself in the past few days, or just the pure frustration and anxiety that's been soaring through my veins in the aforementioned few days...whatever it was, it wasn't good. I was feeling all cocky and decided to go for the notoriously "hard and rolly" vein that Luke used to stick for me - but! got on the first stick the last time I tried it - and failed semi-miserably. I got blood flow (GOOD sign) and then advanced the needle just a touch to make it more secure, and completely blew through it (BAD). So I tried to regain access in that vein and after three or four failed adjustments, decided it was time to try one of my other "better" veins.
Next vein, one that I've NEVER missed...one that a toddler would have a hard time missing because it's so easy to stick...proved to be a serious pain right in my ass today. Again, got blood flow after the immediate stick and then when I was trying to trade out the saline flush for my actual medication, lost the vein AGAIN. After more failed attempts at adjusting the placement, and getting increasingly more frustrated and almost on the verge of tears, I decided it was more important to get my medication into my blood stream than it was to worry about the fact that I was going to have to use the same vein twice in a row.
So, I went to my trusty left AC vein and it was magical how easily the needle went in and STAYED PUT. However, now I have THREE punctures just from today to let heal over the next few days...my poor veins. Hopefully today was just a fluke and a jumbled up mess of frustration, upset, dehydration and cold and isn't an indicator for how the next few weeks and months are going to go while I face the harsh reality that I've gotta do this on my own.
Today I experienced emotions and feelings I haven't in a very long time. Fear, wanting to give up, twinge of hopelessness combined with pure frustration and disappointment because I NEVER get things wrong THAT many times in one shot; I also felt very, very alone. Usually independence and strong will for myself are my thing, but today, it was put on the line and tested. I felt weak and scared. However, I also had the sense to kick my own ass and tell myself that it was time to suck it up, deal with the cards I've been handed, and make the best of the situation. My health and life, really, are more important than anything and this is the ONLY way for me to sustain it at this point in time. No more feeling sorry for myself, and no more self pity parties. Like one of my tattoos says - Alis Volat Propriis - and it's time to do just that.
Stay tuned for more updates on my newest adventure...
Somewhere between forever and always, Chelsea Leigh
