It's been quite a while since I've updated everyone, but it's most definitely been with "good" reason. I've had a lot of changes in my life recently; things happened that were out of my control, things which forced me to make some decisions I never wanted to have to make.
I'm not going to get into the details of it, but suffice it to say that my relationship with Luke ended over a month ago now. I subsequently packed up my things and headed to Ferrisburgh (Mom and Dad's) with my fur-baby, Clark. I found and still continue to find myself in a place that I never thought I'd be. Sure, whenever you get into a serious relationship, there is ALWAYS the risk of it ending...but who in their right minds actually expects that to happen? Minus the legal documentation, (at least it felt like this to me), we were essentially playing the roles of an old married couple - we were living together, grocery shopped once a week together, took turns making dinner depending on what our work schedules looked like, had our "kid" and all of the things that go along with taking care of an 11 year old golden retriever.
Having to leave tore me to pieces. I like to tell myself that I don't break, that I'm strong enough to get through anything, that although this huge part of my life was over, it wasn't going to destroy me. I'm a good liar.
Today was especially hard for me, and most likely the reason why I'm sitting here spilling my thoughts and emotions via my blog - I need to get these things out of my head and I don't have the outlet I used to. For the last month, whenever I felt bad I'd get on Facebook and put up a post that was either a good quote, or some song lyrics that I KNEW Luke would understand as a signal to him that I was feeling awful and wanted to talk. Just like clockwork, he'd message me and we'd talk and I'd feel better in that moment...and then even more like garbage later on. This has been our "break up routine" since we started hanging out eons ago...we communicate via Facebook posts and song lyrics. Ridiculous, immature and really dumb? Yeah, most likely. But it's what we did and it "worked" for us.
However, I knew this terrible cycle needed to end. Neither one of us was getting anywhere, and more likely than not, we were continuing to hurt one another more. If I was serious about this relationship not having any current hope for reconciliation, then there was one move I could make, and it needed to happen. Social media communication needed to cease. Luke had wanted it all along; at first it felt like a slap in the face to me, but I eventually accepted it and understood where he was coming from although I didn't necessarily agree...after hearing my point of view he chose to keep the communication lines open. Now, a month later, I understand completely and entirely why he had wanted it all along - you can't watch your ex-significant other continue their life without you and not feel like you're missing something or constantly being blindsided by the things going on in their new life without you; unfortunately, social media has allowed us this 24/7 instant access into people's lives and made is so much easier (or harder depending on the circumstance) to bare witness to the on-goings of those we are "friends" with online.
I couldn't put myself through it anymore, so I drafted up an e-mail and sent it along to him, hoping to not completely blindside him with the un-friending move. I met some well deserved resistance in response to the email, but the way I see it - I am the ONLY one looking out for and taking care of me. This is something I needed to do to heal ME and if it makes me a hypocrite and/or selfish, then so be it.
Today...has been the LONELIEST day I've had in quite some time. The story of "Luke and Chels" has been going on for close to three years now...and this is the first day that I haven't had instant access to him since June 2010. Not only did I lose the man I thought I was going to marry out of this break up, I lost my best friend and "person". I was petrified to put all of my eggs into one basket with one person, but saw the potential I wanted in him and did it. Took a risk. And here I am. Emptiness has set in; I cut off my access to the one constant I've had for the last three years of my life. But it was something that I had to do...the pros outweighed the cons in this situation, unfortunately. Watching my ex with his "new life" that didn't include Clark and I, was too harsh for my fragile soul to handle.
NONE of this is to say that he's not hurting too, nor is he not feeling any of the same things that I am. I know that some of you reading this are mutual friends with both of us, and I don't mean to discredit his feelings at all; this is just my side of the story. What makes it worse is that of course I still care, so knowing that someone you care about is going through some of the same feelings and pain that you are and there is NOTHING that you can do about it because that isn't your place anymore...at least for me, makes me feel worthless.
I don't usually feel this lost. But today, today I feel like a puppy wondering hundreds of acres of woods looking for her owner because she took one wrong turn and is completely overwhelmed by all of the trees and leaves surrounding her with no clear direction in sight...
~Somewhere between always and forever, Chelsea Leigh
