HEADS UP - this is going to get pretty personal, so consider yourself warned.
Last week, this happened:
Before anyone in my family, or friends circle tweaks balls - no, I am NOT pregnant. That, my dears, is what happens when I get stressed the EF out, and my body reacts in its oh-so-loving-pain-in-the-ass way and swells. In this case, my intestines did the swelling and viola! We have the "water baby" effect. The left photo was taken AFTER the episode, to show that a) I'm back to normal, and b) what normal looks like. Yes, I'm well aware I'm wearing the same clothes - that was done on purpose to enhance the comparison effect.
So, here's what happened:
Last week really tested me. Before adding in any "unnecessary" stress components, I was already PMSing like a mo-fo - on their own, periods (or the week of mood swings, eating everything in sight and exhaustion prior to) suck; add in the component that says that any sort of Estrogen flux in my system sends me straight for an HAE attack, and it goes from unpleasant to "please, just kill me, really." But I digress.
So, we've got the PMS factor, check. Then add in work stress - I have my very first, brand new trainee, that I'm responsible for; normally this sort of thing wouldn't bother me, because until this point I usually got the new people after they've had their first few days with the supervisors...and now, that's me!
That's PMS - check; extra work stress - check; now let's add in personal life stress. When you've known someone for a while, and then questions are asked of you that lead you to believe you're not trusted nor is your integrity taken into consideration whatsoever, not to mention something that could put your JOB and CAREER on the line...excuse me for stressing right the hell out.
So, BAM. Three strikes, and I get to rock the "I may look pregnant, but go ahead - ask me when I'm due and see what answer you get" look...it is in no way pleasant - it hurts, it's uncomfortable - nor is having to explain how I suddenly "became" 6 months pregnant overnight to the people that I see on a daily basis anywhere near being on my bucket list.
For those of you who are wondering - yes, I'm still taking my medication and it has been going really well. We (the members of my swell-fam) like to refer to incidents such as this as "breakthru episodes" - meaning that even though I'm prophylactically treating my "super awesome roll of the genetic dice," I can still experience the jerk-hole swelling episodes. It usually happens when I have a WHOLE lot of stress added to my life outside of the daily bullshit I deal with. It's still better than it used to be - before my IV meds, normal day-to-day stress would cause an episode...so, at least I'm making progress.
Now that I'm in the clear and back to normal, I'm able to look at this episode in a different light. Of course at the time I was frustrated, and got a little down - this is the first real breakthru swelling I've had since I started Cinryze treatment a year ago...I was incredibly frustrated (and still am a little) that the personal life aspect of this episode was added to the situation unnecessarily - in my opinion. My intentions (which prompted the "reaction") were the purest intentions I've ever had - NOT a common thing for me, and it was thrown back in my face. I was reminded of something I learned a long time ago, which I had lost sight of for a while - anyone who causes negativity that directly affects my life, specifically anyone who causes me so much stress that I have a physical response to it, isn't anyone I really need in my friend/partner/family circuit. I just don't. That might sound harsh to some of you, but let me put it this way - luckily the reaction I had was intestinal. It could've happened in my throat - PEOPLE HAVE DIED FROM HAE THROAT SWELLS! Sorry, but there are VERY few people I will put my life on the line for, and anyone who pulls the crap that was pulled, sure as hell doesn't make that list.
On the up-side of this swell, there are aspects of my life that were solidified and mean more than the world to me. I posted the swollen picture by itself (originally), in my private HAE group on Facebook. Within minutes, I was receiving comments from other people who get it. They live through the same things that I do and just understand without me having to explain a thing. In any of my previous attacks, I have NEVER had that safe place to go, and having it was one of the best feelings in the world. Even days later, the members of the group are still writing to me to check in and see how I'm feeling, making sure I'm doing better and sending along words of encouragement. These are people I have never met before and know solely through a common bullshit aspect of our lives that most everyone else is oblivious to. I think if I had been able to connect with/to these people in my teenage years, I might be a completely different person - or at least have a different outlook on my medical issues; but that's a tale for another day, and things are finally lining up in my life, so I'm not going to complain.
And then, there is Eric. He supported me through this to the best of his ability, it being his rookie HAE attack with me, and he did a fantastic job. Whether we're at work, or in our own separate homes, we're constantly at least an hour from the other - unless it's a planned date or weekend adventure...but he did everything he could to make it feel like he was right there with me, and that feeling is one that I cherish more than most things in life. To know that I'm being cared for, even from a distance, by someone who still has a very loose handle on what was actually happening to me, and only cared about my well being...I have no words to describe it. Every day, I am grateful, baffled, and thank my lucky stars that he walked into my life the day that he did.
If you've stayed with me thus far and made it through my pseudo-pregnant, angry, mushy mess of a post, then I commend you. Now knowing a lot more about me than you probably had bargained for, I'm finally calling it quits on this entry ;) Happy holidays, and stay safe everyone!!
~*Chelsea Leigh*~
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